Born on Black Tuesday,
a child of the Great Depression;
your view of life shaped mine.
Escaping the depths of the economy on Saturday afternoons
in the cool darkness of film;
your view of life shaped mine.
You went to college and discovered a broader world,
one where people stood together against the mistakes of society;
your view of life shaped mine.
You went to Korea,
and never spoke about what happened there;
your view of life shaped mine.
On your return to college in the bastion of southern liberal thought,
the woman you would marry second had left, and you met my mother on a blind date;
your view of life shaped mine.
You married and left college without a degree to work,
but you read everything, for yourself, and later for me;
your view of life shaped mine.
Gin and tonics, no fear of malaria,
no viable escape from the suburbs;
your view of life shaped mine.
You worked out of town a lot,
home on Tuesdays to take me to the film at the local library;
your view of life shaped mine.
I was nine, amid the screaming, and a police car,
you left our life for your true love;
your view of life shaped mine.
You were at home and happy in your new life with your love,
more than I had ever seen;
your view of life shaped mine.
Your first two children
saw the immaturity evidenced by such selfish actions;
your view of life shaped mine.
You fought so hard to stay in my life,
the last bit of you available;
your view of life shaped mine.
As I lose you, to the damaged lungs of too many cigarettes,
and a mind that can only now follow what is in the room at the moment;
your life shapes mine.
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Sniff, and I mean, really, sniff. That last line is the sort of thing that grabs me. Very moving, very heartfelt work. Only thing I would do is try to cut the longer lines down to bare bones as much as possible. The reiteration of the last line of each stanza makes this seems like a chant or a dirge, and IMHO, shortening the other lines would help the rhythm. EG:
ReplyDelete"a child of the Great Depression" ->
"child of the Great Depression"
or, more radically:
"Escaping the depths of the economy on Saturday afternoons
in the cool darkness of film;" ->
"Hiding from (your) poverty each Saturday etc" or something.
"You went to Korea,
and never spoke about what happened there;
your view of life shaped mine." Perfect!
Very nice work here. Read it aloud (all poetry must be read aloud!) and you'll find the spots that seem to drag.
Becca, this is amazing work. You really make the reader feel... what a joy as a reader. I love the words of that last stanza. I wonder if adding more line breaks would give it a greater sense of drama abd beauty. It's so fantastic I find it hard to offer constructive criticism with it.
ReplyDeleteThanks to both of you - I agree with the shortening of the lines - I saw that when I was writing - this is great constructive criticism. I will work on the flow without losing the meaning. As I may have mentioned before poetry is the language form with which I am the least familiar.
ReplyDeleteBy line breaks Deb, do you mean spacing between stanzas?
I am off to visits my outlaws in Louisville for a week - I will check in from there!
Becca
Perhaps I used the term incorrect. what I meant was putting less words in a line in that last stanza. I thought it would be more dramatic and beautiful that way, but that's just a personal thing. Many authors would choose to keep it the way you originally wrote it as well.
ReplyDeleteBecca,
ReplyDeleteI thought your poem was really great, because I could actually understand what it was about. Too often, I read poems that I have no idea what they author is trying to convey. The man whom the poem is about, obviously left a huge impression on you and your life. One thing you may want to change is the repetition of the line, "your view of life shaped mine". I actually really liked the repetition, but thought maybe you over did it a bit. I realized this when I began to skip that line at the end of every stanza. So perhaps you could use that line on every other stanza, to avoid using too much of a good thing. Other than that, great job!
You know, as I reread it again, I think Matthew does bring up a good idea. I too like the repetion of the line, but agree, now that I think of it, that maybe deleting it in some of the instances may be worthwild. The story in the poem is so strong and the point and imagry so clear that it does seem unecessary and even distrating to have the line in there so much. I can't wait to see what you do with this next, Becca!
ReplyDeleteThanks to all three of you! I am still revising, working on making the lines more succinct. I am keeping the repeating line because that is a combination of a style I chose and the point of the poem.
ReplyDeleteFollowing both David and my friend Julie's advise - reading it aloud gives cadence to the repeating line. As I have mentioned before this style of prose is one with which I am the least comfortable; that said one of my friends is quite an accomplished Poetry Slam competitor so I tried to keep in mind the variations she uses in her voice when performing her work.
We'll see how it all comes out. Needless to say, I started it to read at my father's 80th Birthday Party in October, but as it chose it's own path, I won't be doing that.
Becca
Again, I just want to reiterate that the poem is wonderful! Because I have to make suggestions, I thought I'd offer this one. Have you thought about using a play on syllables within the lines. It seems like each line has a different/random amount of syllables, perhaps you could make the piece even more poetic by using a set amount. Just a suggestion, good luck publishing!
ReplyDelete